I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
