why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
