we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
