We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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