If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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