We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Randomize
