u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
