Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
what day is it and did you see me today?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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