i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
