I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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