Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
