just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
