dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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