You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
