I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
and you fell through a lawn chair
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
