3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
actually, I'm a sock model
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
