Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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