i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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