That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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