I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
