It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
