who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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