I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
