Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
