Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
