Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
