I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
