I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
