I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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