I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
