Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
