you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
