some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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