"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
third nipple confirmed
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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