Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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