im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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