Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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