how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
