no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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