apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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