What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
