Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
