and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
