remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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