Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
