I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
