Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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