hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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