I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
