The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
