Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
